The Struggle is Real

In running, so many of the photographs you see are all positive. Happy, smiley runners out with their pals or on their own, smiling away, happy to have got their run done or pleased with their efforts along the way. The language is almost always upbeat and inspirational. And many times, running is like that; a social occasion with friends to catch up, enjoy their company, get in a few miles and stay healthy to boot. In all honesty, what is not to like?

But the reality of running is not always like that. And that is what I am going to write about today, about the days when a smile is the last thing you feel like summoning up to mask the pain or the disappointment which you might be enduring at the time, or the suffering you are going through to get a run done.

I am sure everyone has had runs like this – if not, then well done you – and it is natural, I think, that it happens. But that does not make it any easier to get through when they do occur, and what is important is the reaction when it does take place.

For me, the experience was truly grim. A hot run. Coming off the back of being away for a few days of over indulgence. A quick pace. A hilly finish. All of the ingredients conspired into one to give me real pause for thought about whether running was right for me. In one word, to sum up how I felt at the end of it? Embarrassed. Embarrassed for how I had run. Embarrassed for how I had felt during the run. And embarrassed for my reaction to it. Awful.

“these feelings really knocked me”

In general terms, I think I am a pretty positive person about most things. And running has become, without a doubt, one of my favourite things to do. But these feelings really knocked me. They made me question whether running was right for me, whether I was making a fool of myself when going out (I am not the youngest, fastest or most elegant of runners by any stretch of the imagination) and it made me think about the races I had done and whether any of that really mattered that much.

I recognise that you may be reading this and thinking, “jeez man, bit of an overreaction to a crappy run”, but this is genuinely how I felt in the aftermath. It was terrible. I spent quite a bit of time trying to rationalise it all. How had it happened? Could I have done anything differently? Is this part of my running decline?

A year ago I was in the midst of training for the Venice Marathon – a race I am still not entirely sure how I managed to finish given the conditions on the day – and yet here I was, barely able to get through a quarter of that distance on conditions that were nowhere near as bad as they were on that day.

“I began to focus on my weight again”

It became a bit obsessive. It was all I could think about. It happened a little while back now but it has taken me to this point before I even feel ready to write about it. I began to focus on my weight again. What could I do to lost some pounds? I was being unrelentingly negative, !”God, look how fat I look in photos.” I would think. It was just a bad place in which to be. In a few weeks time, I return to the trade show with work where someone’s comments last year about my appearance really took me aback. I began to think that all of this was going to happen once more.

The only way back out of it, was to attempt to restore a bit of confidence; to perhaps return a bit of reality to all of this one way traffic of negativity that was building up in my head. And the only way to do that was to get back out running again. It was about building up a bit of distance. About building up some resistance to that negativity. About focusing on all of the good things which running has brought into my life. And to just try and enjoy it once more.

It did not come easy, but then running is not easy. Even the weather conspired to get in the way, with a summer storm blowing through the city and preventing me from going out – now to be honest, if I was training for an actual race I would have gone out regardless, but when all I was doing was trying to get my head around the fact that I was not the crap runner I thought I was, it made no sense to head out into a murky morning with the rain lashing down and wind howling around.

“things have got better”

Summer running is also not my favourite – one of the reasons why this year my big race was the Rotterdam Marathon in April so that I could train through the winter rather than the warmer months- so to add that into the mix of everything else hardly helped things improve. But things have got better. I am feeling better. My runs have got longer, cannot say they have got any easier but hey, since when was running a bunch of miles easy?

More importantly, the negativity has begun to recede. Positive mental health is such a significant aspect of life and is wrapped up with every aspect of life. The person who talks to me the most is myself, so that inner monologue needs to be broadly positive. I am looking forward to going out running again, even if my legs are pretty tired at the moment from some of the longer distances which I have been putting in and I am back to looking out for other races to do before the end of the year.

Running, like life, has highs and lows. Fingers crossed, I have hit the lowest point I am going to hit in some time and things are on the up. I realise that progress is never linear, that there will be good days and bad days, and hopefully the good will always outweigh the bad. No matter how many positive things people say, it is always that one negative comment (or bad run) which sticks with me. So I will end on a positive note, and some recent pictures after some of my runs with friends. Upwards and onwards…

Holiday Road

Should you run when on holiday? Discuss. I know the exam season is finished, but this is question to ponder and I do feel that during the summer in particular that this is a topic which is likely to provoke a range of opinions.

Surely the whole point of a holiday is to take a break? From everything. From work. From the day to day of normal life. To get a chance to recharge the batteries, refresh the mind and relax. Well yes, of course it is. But for me, that does not mean taking a break from running. Let me explain.

“do what you want”

First thing to say, I am not criticising anyone who does not do any exercise when they are on holiday. That is not what I am on about. If you go away and leave your running stuff at home or take it with you and it stays firmly in the suitcase that is totally fine. Do what you want to do. That is great.

But for me, going for a run when on holiday offers me a few things. Firstly, as I have written about before, running is my time. It is time for me, either on my own or with some friends, where I can put other things out of my head and just spend some time having a chat or get lost in my own thoughts. Secondly, and probably most importantly, I really enjoy running. It is very much part of me now, part of my routine, part of who I am and so running when on holiday is not some kind of punishment for all the food and drink I am packing away, it is just a natural thing to do. And finally, depending on where you are, it can also be an opportunity to see new places in a way in which you do not if you are sitting on a coach or driving in a taxi.

“I always felt the better for it”

I have just come back from holiday, and yes, that is why I am writing this, and yes, I did go running when I was away. Not as often as I would have done if I was at home. Not as often as I planned to do – sometimes the bed was just too comfortable to move from. But I did a few runs during the break, and I always felt the better for it.

What was unusual about the trip was that I was on a cruise, so most of my runs were around laps of the walking/jogging track which they had around the top deck of the ship.

The track on the ship

Running laps of anywhere is not my favourite type of run, I can assure you of that, and this track was only about two hundred metres all the way around, so there were no heroics here. I was going out for about half an hour and that was more than enough for me. Also, do not be fooled by how nice the weather was in this picture, it was not like this all the time I can assure you. Most of the time it was a bit grey, breezy, and, as I will explain, a bit wet.

The ship did, of course, have a large gym with the usual set of exercise equipment including treadmills, but given the opportunity I always prefer to run outside, unless it is an impossibility, so laps of the track it was. I would go out quite early – so there was no one on the sun loungers I can assure you – and there were only a few other hardy souls out there at that time either walking or running around.

I did also encounter one bizarre day where I swear it was only raining on one half of the ship. Running down the track heading to the rear of the ship with the wind behind me, it was a fully on rain storm. Turning to run into the wind to the front of the ship, it was totally dry. Truly weird. And when I finished, it was my back that was totally drenched while my front half was almost completely dry. Very odd.

Weather more typical of what I ran in

There was a bit of novelty about running on a moving ship sailing over the North Sea and the Baltic Sea – our cruise went to Scandinavia – and I think that was a little bit of the attraction of doing it. Laps are quite dull, but when the scenery is always changing or there are ships sailing by it does break things up a little bit and give you something different to look at, rather than a static view of the landscape.

I did manage one run on dry land. We stayed overnight in Copenhagen and I ran down to a marina which was close to where the ship was moored. The pictures make it look more glamorous than it was though, as the route to and from the marina part was just like running through any other industrial estate you have ever been to, but it was a beautiful morning to get out and enjoy at least a little bit of road running.

In the marina at Copenhagen

Running on holiday, for me at least, is very much about just keeping things ticking over. It was not about going out to get a long run in, or to really push things along. It was just an opportunity to get a few miles in, to get a chance to stretch my legs and to try out something a bit different. If you have never run before when you have gone on holiday, I would recommend giving it a go, particularly as it gives you that chance to perhaps see places in a different way from the norm.

But as I said at the start, if the prospect of taking your gear with you when you go for a break fills you with horror, then that is great too. We are all the same because we are all different, and let’s be thankful for that.

The miles I did clock up when I was away just added to my total for the year of course, so when I came back and went back out running with friends and then my JogScotland group this week, I past the eight hundred mile mark for the year. I am still ahead of my target to run one hundred miles each month, so I am pretty pleased to have got there quite early in the month. Onwards to nine hundred now. But first of all I am going away again this weekend. And yes, I am taking my running stuff with me.