That Thinking Feeling

One question from friends which has popped up quite a bit in the wake of running the D33 ultramarathon a couple of weeks ago was this. “Being out there on your own for so long, was it not just really lonely?”. It’s an interesting question, which I am going to try to answer because I think it goes to the heart of long distance running.

I once read the book, “What I talk about, when I talk about running,” by Haruki Murakami, where he recounts his experiences of not just running marathons, but also other endurance events. It is a good read (if you like that sort of thing) and it provided an interesting perspective. For me, this is not so much “What I talk about, when I talk about running”, but more, “what I think about when I am running”. Let me explain.

On my own on the D33 course

The first thing to say is that I think there is a big difference between being lonely and being on your own – for me these are not the same thing. I am more likely to feel lonely if I am on a business trip and in a conference room of people who all seem to know each other and I am wandering about like some kind of lost lemon. That experience of maybe being on your own in busy bar or restaurant, so you are somewhere where there are lots of people, but no one that you know. That is something which is likely to make me feel lonely.

“be kinder and less critical of ourselves”

But that is not the same as being on your own. I lived on my own for around six years before getting married, so I am quite comfortable with my own company. I have written before about the fact that the person you are most likely to spend most time talking to in your life is yourself – so we should be kinder and less critical of ourselves, as we spend a long time in our own head (a lifetime in fact).

So loneliness and being alone are, to me, not the same thing. So the prospect of running on my own for long periods of time is not something that phases me. When I started running – and long before I joined jogscotland – running on my own was what I did ALL the time, and I cannot say I ever felt lonely when doing it.

So now that we have established that, what about the ultra, where for the best part of six hours – apart from a few spells of chatting to people – I was running by myself? Yes I could see people ahead of me for most of it – but not all of it – but this was not like a social Saturday run with pals where you are chatting your way through it. Probably for about eighty percent of the run I was in my own head. So what do I think about when I am running?

On the course, with my own thoughts

The obvious thing to think about is “how am I feeling?”. But that does get a bit boring after a while and if all you are doing is thinking about how you are feeling then there is a real risk that you will begin to think about how tough this is, how bad your legs feel, how heavy your thighs are and so on. So for the most part, I try not to think about that too much – even when I think I feel quite good, part of me is also thinking, “well, yeah, but this is not going to last”.

One thing I do try and do is to deploy distraction techniques, where I at least make an attempt to think about specific things for a while and by doing that the miles just tick by without really concentrating too hard. Now this could be thinking about something related to work, or it could be about thinking of a topic to write about for the blog, or a favourite holiday destination or it could be about looking at a place in the distance and trying to work out where that is. Whatever it is, it is about thinking about something really not related to what I am going through at that moment.

“singing… is a deliberate technique”

And then we move to the, how should I put it, more peculiar things I do. Something I do, quite commonly, is sing in my head. This comes after the counting I do in my head when I start running in an attempt to get into some kind of rather and ignore my Darth Vader-esque asthmatic breathing rhythm. The singing in my head is not by chance, however, it is a deliberate technique.

I used to listen to music when I first started running but now much prefer not to run with headphones in – in fact I cannot recall the last time I did – and be aware of my surroundings. But music is important to me, so in the days building up to the race, when I was working from home, I would play some specific, positive songs, to boost my mindset. This kind of thing is very particular, so the songs or music I like will not be the same as the songs or music anyone else likes, but the technique is the same. Listen to songs that mean something to you, that inspire you, that give you confidence and belief.

There are many which I listen to but I will give two specific examples of songs I listened to in the build up to the ultra and the lyrics of which I sang to myself during the actual race.

The first is, “I won’t back down” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. It has lots of great, positive lines, but specifically it features these lyrics:

“Well, I know what’s right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground
And I won’t back down”

Tom Petty

So for me, there was just no way in my race that I was going to back down. I had been through too much in the training for it. Just listening to that song makes me feel so determined to push on when things get tough.

Another example – and hey, this is an eclectic music mix – was the song “Unstoppable” by Sia. It features these lyrics.

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am. I put my armor on, to show you that I am

I’m unstoppable
I’m a Porsche with no brakes
I’m invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I’m so powerful
I don’t need batteries to play
I’m so confident
Yeah, I’m unstoppable today

Sia

I have vivid memories of reciting this to myself when I was struggling in the Rotterdam Marathon last year, and so again during the Ultra, this was rolling around my head through those final few miles when things were so tough.

“I am reinforcing all of the belief”

By telling myself I am unstoppable, by telling myself I won’t back down, by reminding myself I’m so powerful, by urging myself that I know what’s right, I am reinforcing all of the belief which my friends had in me being able to complete the race. At a time when I could be the loneliest I have ever been, I am not thinking about being alone, about poor me struggling to run a race, I am thinking about how all of this is getting me to the end. There are lots of other songs I could quote and could use. Find one that speaks to you.

Another technique is to find a mantra, something to say to yourself over and over during the race. Or write something positive on your arm that you can look at to remind yourself of why you are there in the first place. The name of a friend you lost for whom you are doing the race to fundraise for charity. A motivational quote. Something, anything, that will help in that particular moment.

If this sounds all very grand, I also want to tell you that there are times when I am also swearing and cursing – at the wind, at the hills, at the pouring rain and lots of other things – so please do not feel it is all sweetness and light and lovely jolly tunes which are getting me through this, there is one hell of a lot of hard work and effort too.

“nice social runs with friends”

Away from the race, my recovery has continued to go well. I did run a bit of my own this week as I had a business trip to Munich, but I combined that with some nice social runs with friends too in Aberdeen. While a lot of what I have written here may give the impression of being a bit of a loner, I do love running with friends and it has been great to be back out with them having taken the week off after the race.

For now, it is about trying to bring a bit more regularity and normality back to my running after the first few months of the year solely focused on the D33. I signed up to a 10k at the end of May and am beginning to look at other events too. Nothing too serious, nothing which is going to take a massive training load, just something to focus on and to give me my next target to aim for, and maybe during that race I will find myself in a hard moment.

But if I can take yourself out of the moment, to find something to focus on, to locate that bit of inspiration or motivation to get me past the trough of that time, then I can move on and get to that finish line. I won’t back down, and I will find that I am unstoppable today. And any other day as well.