The (Deep) Heat is on

Confidence is ephemeral. It can disappear quickly, and it can then be a struggle to find it once more. That is certainly how I feel right now about my ability to run quickly.

Rewind three weeks – thanks if you have noticed I have not written a blog during that period – and I was taking out the six mile group at my local jogscotland club. Things were going well, though I have to confess I was nervous beforehand about taking the group out as I had not run with them for a while and they had been flying in previous weeks.

“felt like I had been stabbed”

I began to feel a bit of tightness in my left thigh – front and back – about three miles in, but felt that this would pass as pains during runs often do. They flare up briefly but then die away and things continue as normal. This was pretty much the case, but as we past four miles and began to head towards a trail section, I felt like I had been stabbed in the back of my thigh, as this searing hot pain shot through it. It was as if a poker had been jabbed in, not right in the middle, but to the side, just above the back of my knee.

I shuffled on for a bit, but it was pretty obvious that I could not continue, so as we got to five miles I had to bail out. Walking was a struggle, and after I made it back to where my car was parked, driving home was agony while changing gears. It was clear something had gone pop in my leg.

The run was cut short about a mile from where I should have ended

At home and in pain, the next few days were a combination of ice packs on the back of my thigh and Deep Heat treatment. Some people suggested going to a physio but I thought I would let it settle down a bit before deciding what my next move would be. But running was definitely out – regardless of the pace – and in those first few days walking was pretty painful. In fact, even lying down was painful if I had to move my leg to turn over for example.

“had I been pushing too hard?”

So a combination of no running and not really walking much gives you lots of time to think about what’s gone wrong. Had I been pushing too hard? Had I taken on something which was beyond my current capabilities? Should I really be trying to run at that pace? And so on. In a vacuum, it is easy for negatives to spread, and with no evidence to counter what I was thinking, it was a bit of a downward spiral when it came to how I was feeling about my running.

The house did stink of this stuff for a few days

On the positive side, after about a week of virtually no actitivity, things began to improve. What I had feared might have been a long term injury was now looking much more like a strain as opposed to a tear or a pulled hamstring (which was my initial concern). So that was good, but then it was about coming back and starting to run again. Worried that I might be coming back too early, I went for a few walks in the nicer weather and that gave me some belief at least that things were returning to normal. No pain during the walk and, probably more importantly, no pain afterwards.

“I am left with lots of doubts”

All good then? Well yes and no. I am now back running, and feel no ill effects from the injury, which is great. But I am left with lots of doubts about by running abilities. I recognise that you might think this is a bit mad coming from a guy who has run every distance from 5k to an ultra, but it is true. Can I run quick again? This is not about setting new PBs or anything like that. This is just about can I run regularly at a pace I feel comfortable with, and one that I feel is suitably challenging for me.

Probably what sits at the back of all of this is that, right before the injury (in fact on the same day that it happened), I had signed up for a couple of races. I have a 10k next weekend, a half marathon at the start of July (a very hilly one) and then another half at the end of September (a very flat one). The distances are ones which I have done tons of times before, so it is not about fear of distance. I think it is fear of not achieving what I think I am capable of. Or at least what I was once capable of.

“pace is a very personal thing”

So there is the nub of the issue, it is about my own expectations. Pace is a very personal thing (and yes I know that nobody else cares) and while I am not about PBs these days, I do want to do myself justice. I also know I have put on some weight recently and that is not helping as it makes any kind of running harder than it could be. Now it is just a case of head down, work hard and work my way back to where I want to be.

The injury definitely did not help. It probably came at about the worst time – there is also lots of change going on at work right now, and not being able to go out and run (some time for me on my own) to mitigate some of the pressure from that has also had a impact – and as I have written before, we are a combination of everyting in our lives, not simply one aspect, these things all play a part in how we internalise and feel about ourselves.

This weekend, therefore, I resolved to make a start on the road back. A longer run on Saturday than I have been doing of late with my friend Maxine, including the tough three mile uphill finish, and then a shorter run on Sunday, trying out a new pair of trainers, but with an absolutely brutal uphill section in it. I think I will also return to the hill reps sessions our club does, once I get next weekend’s race out of the way.

No one is going to make the difference except me. I need to push myself if I am going to get back to where I want to be. And fingers crossed, by pushing myself, I can edge some of the confidence back into my running once more. It is not that I am not enjoying my running, I still am, but if I could get back a bit of the belief that I have had in the past, then I feel confident that I would enjoy it more. At least let’s hope so.